aka ID4
by HoopLa and Angel
Sunny, day... birds are chirping (yada, yada). Camera pans across to a dashing fellow, sitting in the stunning leather wing-back chair in the oval office. It is none other than Peter Gabriel, President of the United States of America. He's handsome, available and newly elected. He smiles wryly as he cracks open pistachio nuts and casually tosses the empty shells at a basket. He is a lousy shot as evidenced by the pile of nut shells gathering around the basket. But I digress. He is arguing the merits of Digital vs. Analog tape with his Chief of Staff, Phil Collins, nodding his head, but thinking of ways he can tactfully have him fired. Vice President Jeff Linakis takes the President's side of the argument, as a VP should. His trusted confident, Daniel Lanois, is standing close by. Suddenly, Tina bursts into the room...
"Urgent email for you sir!"
"Oh, what now! Do I have to pick another winner of one of your damn tests?"
"No sir, Alien space craft have been sighted over all the major and independent recording studios throughout the world. There is panic in the record and CD outlet stores. What should we do?"
"Nuke the commie bastards." squonks Phil.
"Don't tell me what I will do, 'cos I won't," snaps Peter.
PG in his ever inspiring patience, wants to wait (after all that is one of the things he does best, wait, and wait, and wait). Besides, he's a non violent sort who would rather expound peace.
"I want Security on tactical alert," confidently barks Peter, "put US on notice as well."
"What about the others sir?" chimes Tina.
"SO? BIRDY will have to deal with PASSION. And have Mozo send "Lovetown" out on the air. Maybe the aliens will respond," says Peter.
"Yes sir," responds Tina... or is it Mary?
Tina quickly turns and starts to leave. As she does, Peter shouts after her.
"...And have Laura make a list of "How To Deal With Aliens," while you're at it! I'll need the inspiration! ...And send her another goody-bag if you have to!"
Meanwhile, in a remote shack, tucked into the Florida everglades, Mac Cat is hunkered over her computer terminal... miles of cable sprout in every direction. Her children Indigo, Angel, and Snowflake are cowering in the corner, cold, hungry, and in desperate need of a bath tub and some good strong soap. Mac Cat mutters to herself as she furiously tries to wipe the sweat from her eyes.
"Mac you're shaking like a leaf, don't you think you've had enough coffee for one day?" quips Angel. "Oh, and Mac... you have a little bit of... um... drool there and, um..."
"Oh" grunts Mac as she wipes her chin. "I can't get this damn thing on line and I need to update the Solsbury Hill Miscellany... great googily moogily!" grumbles Mac.
"Hey, maybe it's that space ship that's been hovering over the swamp that's blocking your signal?" offers, Indigo.
"Space ship? What space ship?" asks Mac.
Mac peers out the window, but not Windows 95, cause it won't work in this story.
"Oh no, they're back!" Mac cries.
"Who?" cries Snowflake?
"It's those slimy, ugly, registered Republican, neo hack corporate weasels from Atlantic records! And you guys didn't believe me when I told you I was abducted last week!"
Meanwhile, back at the White House Peter is fielding calls from various studios and record stores. They want to know when he is releasing a new CD and if he is planning on doing anything about those pesky aliens over head. Then without warning, John Underwood, technical guru and web master pushes his way into the Oval Office.
"I'm Saint John Underwood and I know why the aliens are here. And by the way I just loved your work in the Secret World Live Tour... and when are you going to release your new album?"
"Thank you, and about the album, I'll get to it as soon as we kick some alien booty... so come talk to me and tell me why are the aliens here?" "Well, for starters, they are here on earth to suck all the creative life forces out of Real World Artists after having sucked all the life out of every other artist they have come across. And Phil Collins has known about these repugnant corporate invaders all along!"
Back in the Everglades, Mac has packed up her merry band of hackers, the Solsbury Hill Committee, and her children and has headed off into the desert, pushing the speed limit on their Solsbury Hill moped, everyone hanging on precariously for dear life.
"Are we there yet?" shouts Angel.
"I have to pee," says Snowflake.
"Hey, she keeps hitting me," cries Indigo.
"I want to ride shot gun," Pedro, Solsburian Director of Floppies.
"Shut up, I don't have time for your dribble. We have to find our way to a top secret air base I read about in the alt.music.peter-gabriel newsgroup!" barks Mac.
In the meantime, back at the White House Tina rushes back in...
"Sir, sir, we just got word that Ace Fighter Pilot Tony Levin has shot down one of the invading space craft. He personally dragged the body across the hot desert along with his espresso machine, 'cause lord knows the army makes god awful coffee. He has taken the carcass to a top secret location that nobody knows about." Tina eagerly shouts.
"How did we find out about the army base?" inquires Peter.
"Through St. John's chat room of course" she offers. "The location is being posted to the alt.music-peter-gabriel newsgroup as we speak."
"Well, we should probably go then. I'm dying for a good cup of coffee and Tony owes me a rematch game of ping pong. Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that the Atlantic Aliens will probably want to nuke the shit out of the White House since becoming President of the United States has taken up a lot of my attention and I haven't worked on the new album much. Let's go."
Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins, Daniel Lanois, St. John and Tina all jump into Peter's boat, Wild Thing and furiously row down the Hudson river until they come to the top secret air base. When they get there they are greeted by a great cup of coffee and a charming Frenchman, Doktor Vincent.
"Bon Jour, I am so glad you made it here today Mr. President. We are about to dissect one of the Alien Atlantic Records neo hack corporate weasels right now to see what makes them work, and to see if they are even remotely human at all."
They all troop into a medical suite. Through a glass partition Peter gasps in horror at the seemingly lifeless, slimy, ugly, registered Republican, neo hack corporate Atlantic Records weasel on the table. Doktor Vincent smiles and waves at Peter.
"I just loved you on the Secret World Live Tour... and when are you going to release a new album?"
Peter smiles and nods, however before he can respond, the Atlantic Records alien carcass spews out a greasy, short little humanoid figure with tentacles that could suck the life out of a straw if it had to. After swiftly killing Phil Collins, the creature talks out of both sides of its mouth as it wraps it's killer tentacles around Doktor Vincent and tries to stab him in the back when he's not looking.
"No Mercy!" croaks the alien.
"Umm don't you mean, Mercy Street? You know a lot of people really like that song. It's one of my most popular, but we won't ever play that song again if you go away," offers Peter.
"No! No Mercy! We are going to destroy and take over all independent record labels on the planet. We need more creative energy to survive! Every artist will be sucked dry by a personally appointed Atlantic Records neo hack corporate weasel who will drive the artist to burnout. Then we will over produce and flood the market with bland music that people quickly get sick of. Afterwards we will cast off their dry lifeless bodies and label them 'has beens.'"
"That's quite an agenda" pipes in Doktor Vincent.
"And by the way, even though I loved your work on the Secret World Live Tour, where's that new album of yours, it's OVERDUE!" grunts the alien.
Peter can't take it anymore. He holds his breath, he releases the catch, and he lets the bullet fly! Bam! Alien Atlantic neo hack corporate weasel brain all over the room, only it's not that messy cause there wasn't a lot of brains in the Atlantic alien corporate weasel to begin with.
Peter and Daniel Lanois decide that they must fight back. They go outside to address the throngs of Peter Gabriel fans who have gathered at the secret air base. There are no other kinds of fans because they were all too stupid to run from the aliens. Peter climbs up on Solsbury Hill, well actually it was a pile of old, flat tires left as rubbish at the air base, but to Peter it is Solsbury Hill! Grabbing an old Secret World concert tour book from Mary Parks, he rolls it up and uses it as a megaphone and he gives a speech.
"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! My tour book!!!" cries Mary.
"Don't worry, luv, Tina here will get you another one," he winks at her.
Mary faints dead away. Pete doesn't miss a beat and starts his speech as he stands over the crumpled heap of Mary.
"Hi there, my faithful fans and followers!" says Peter.
"Hi there!" shouts back the enthusiastic crowd.
"Today is a wonderful day in a one-way world, but I caught the chaos in the market square. I don't know what, I don't know why, but something's wrong down there! And now I'm hearing right and wrong so clearly. After all in this proud land we grew up strong!" Peter starts.
"Gee, do you think he's gonna dive?" Lith asks Kali.
"Sing IN YOUR EYES!!!" shouts Snowflake.
"I tell you darlin', I've been watching the war film, I got a few ideas of my own. I was taught to fight, taught to win and I want to be your sledgehammer," declares Pete.
The crowd cheers wildly. St. John takes out his zippo cigarette lighter and waves it back and forth in the air.
"This time they've gone too far. It's going to blow, it's going to break. This is more than I can take! So now I tap my fingers, fold my arms, breathe in deep and cross my legs. Stay with me I need support. But don't get me wrong, I'll be strong. And these battered wings still kick up dust!" Peter rants on.
Pete smiles and waves at the crowd. Several more women faint dead away.
"I talk too much don't I? I don't know how to stop, I don't know how to stop..." Peter heaves.
Quickly Daniel Lanois steps up next to Pete and slaps him back to Rael-ity.
"Thanks Daniel... I needed that. Let's spit into our hands and breathe across the palms. Let's fight a war without tears! From the people come the power!" Pete shouts triumphantly.
"From this power come the change!" the crowd responsively chants back at Peter.
"We must fight back! Who here can fly this F14?" asks Peter.
Timidly Mac Cat steps from the crowd at the protests of the Solsbury Hill Committee.
"Sometimes I can use a stapler without hurting myself," she offers.
"Good enough, hop on in," replies Peter.
Mac responds, "Oh by the way, I loved your work in...."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, just shut up and get in the plane okay?" says Peter.
A hush falls over the crowd. Who is this man who cuts through the crowd like a knife?
"Ah yes, Armando Gallo, I didn't know you could fly sophisticated pieces of machinery?"
"I can't, but you know I'd do ANYTHING for you Peter. I have no self control. And by the way, I loved Secret World Tour... when are you going to release your new album?"
Peter looks at the gun in his hands and regrets using all the bullets slaying the midget humanoid Atlantic Records alien.
"Tony, you and David will fly up to the mother ship and try and disable her. And Tony, leave the darn funk fingers at home this time, will ya? Meanwhile, we will all take flight and synchronize our Peter Gabriel Swatch's... when the Swatch chimes, we'll let her rip."
Peter steps down the hill and says:
"Hey Mac, see you down the Dolce Vita! Cover me through the fire."
Mac takes a good long drag from her flask of 80 proof cappuccino and swallows hard.
"Cover me, when I run," replies Mac.
Tony and David take flight. They sneak their way into the mother ship and dock. They are sucked into the center of the ship where they are confronted by a horrible, gruesome creature with a hairy back and fangs.... it's the Head Alien himself! They try to flee but they are sucked in by his charm and charisma! What ever will they do? They must disable the mother ship so the forces on earth can attack. Suddenly Tony has a brilliant idea. He and David load up the space ship's CD player with Michael Bolton and Milli Vanilli CDs and cover their ears with ear plugs. They blast out the music. The aliens all drop to their knees in pain, grasping their rear ends cause that's where Atlantic Records alien ears are located. The aliens all begin to die. Just for good measure, they leave a bomb that will explode the mothership into smithereens after they leave. Tony and David escape just in the nick of time!
Back on earth Peter Gabriel, the Solsbury Hill Committee, and Armando Gallo fly towards the hovering space craft.
"Red Rain 1 this is Mozo are you on the air?" asks Peter Gabriel.
"10-4 Mozo, Bundershaft here!"
"Rael to Mozo, present an accounted for."
"Cap'n Zero, any sign of Indigo, Snowflake or Angel?" quires Peter.
"Yes, sir, they are in formation with Moribund the Bergermeister."
"Well, my swatch has chimed... we're done waiting for the big one, let's go kick some alien booty," shouts Armando.
A battle royal ensues as our brave rag tag fleet of socially inept fighter pilots dog fight with the alien craft. Fortunately for our heros, many of the aliens have Netscape 2.0 on their onboard computers, illegally downloaded from the web, so a lot of them keep "crashing." We hear the strains of Jeux Sans Frontiers over the sounds of battle. Peter is the first to nail one of the aliens.
Peter screams, "you're not one of us, you're not one of us!"
"You still have the touch, sir" offers Mac Cat, still shaking from caffeine withdrawal.
"Do you think this plan will work?" asks Angel.
"I don't know, but we do what we're told" replies Indigo.
"Armando I think it's time you shock the monkey, if you know what I mean," commands Peter.
And with that Armando Gallo flies his plane into the heart of the alien space craft. As the space ship explodes into oblivion a rousing cheer of victory goes up amongst the Peter Gabriel flyers!
"He did it sir! Now we know what will destroy the aliens.... GIVE EM STEAM!!!!" cries Mac Cat!
Around the world, Geffen alien spaceships explode Big Time in a fury of fire as the earthlings use their unique Geffen-proof secret weapon... "Steam." Later, Peter and his rag tag crew land safety as space ships burn off in the distance. His happy groupies gather around and hoist Peter, David and Tony up onto their shoulders.
"Hooray! Hooray!" cries the elated throng of Peter Gabriel fans.
Several women offer proposals of marriage to Peter.
"I'll marry all of you. I'm Peter Gabriel and I can do whatever I want. Hey, in some countries having 5 wives would mean I'm a very rich man."
Peter smiles warmly at Tony and David.
"Gosh, I loved to be loved, don't you?"