Solsburian Assignment: Bumper Sticker

By Kari Pacer

 

 

 

Heeding Mac Cat's urgent call to "feel free to get some clear tape and slap this on your car," we did just that! Well, almost. First, we slapped it onto a van, and second, thinking of resale value and potential problems with tape, The Newly Appointed Minister of Dance and I (the Newly Appointed Director of Childhood Education) headed off to Kinko's to make some adjustments. At first we tried enlarging the graphic and putting it on the inside of the back window, but soon realized it could not be seen adequately because of tinting. What to do?

Hey, thought we, wouldn't it be great if we could actually get a true bumper sticker made out of this? We thought one of those magnetic ones would be great! Well, those only come in bulk orders (hint, hint, Mac!).....so, color copying/enlarging/laminating/mounting on a magnetic sheet quickly became the order of the day.

Our trip to Kinko's started out uneventfully enough, but then turned into a great chance to gain some votes for the next election (or so we hoped)! As we were standing at the color copier, minding our own business but enthusiastically discussing all our options, wewere approached by a female employee wearing a "mullet" haircut (for those of you who are not familiar with this delightful style, a "mullet" is short and layered on the top and sides, with the back left long and one length. Picture this. Especially on a woman. She will henceforth be referred to as "MW"--Mullet Woman). She asked if she could help us.

Well, knowing that we didn't need help but seeing this as a perfect opportunity to garner a vote, we said YES! Showing her the graphic, we explained that we intended to create a bumper sticker out of this. What is to follow is a synopsis of our conversation:

Mullet Woman, looking intently at graphic: "Hmm, so what you want to do is turn this

into a bumper sticker?"

US: "Uh, yes." (nodding eagerly)

MW: "So you're going to display this on your car?"

US: "uh-huh" (still nodding eagerly)

MW: "That's really strange, because I thought Peter Gabriel was..."

US: (shooting simultaneous sideways glances with worried, furrowed brows at MW)

MW: "dead."

US: (in unison, as if it were planned) "Oh, absolutely not! He's been working hard! You

see, he has this album called UP that he's doing......well, yeah, it is taking a long time,

but he's been busy with other diversions, really!"

MW: "Well, you know that you couldn't really vote for him because he's not a...."

US: "US Citizen?"

MW: "Yeah."

US: "Oh, we have ways to work around that....."

MW: shoots same sideways glance with worried, furrowed brow back at us.

US: "Hey! We could make an extra copy so that you could put it on your

car, too!"

MW: "Well, that's OK, because I'm not really a......" (tentative pause, searching

apprehensively for right wording.....)

US: "What?" (in monotone)

MW: ".....political person." (We thought for sure she was going to say fan, but wisely

MW thought better of that!)

After MW had helped us enlarge the graphic to appropriate size (and had

offered us a really great deal of 50 cents a piece---we made several----and she was

appearing afraid, very afraid) we asked if we could count on her vote in the 2004 election.

VOTES SCORED: unfortunately, none. Because, you know, MW is not a political

person. sigh....

 

After we had enlarged the graphic appropriately, we took it to the counter people to be

laminated and trimmed. We were waited on by a guy that looked cool, but was actually

following Kinko's bizarre rule that employees shall not comment on the customer's work

order. We did everything we could think of to elicit a comment. What follows is a brief

synopsis of our conversation:

 

Potentially Cool Kinko's Guy (aka PCKG): "So you would like this laminated and

trimmed?" (with nice smile).

US: "Yes, what do you think of it? It's great, huh?"

PCKG: "So you want it laminated and then trimmed?" (still wearing smile)

US: "Yeah. It's great, huh?"

PCKG: "Laminated and trimmed?" (smile dramatically waning)

US: "Yes, please." (a PG fan is always polite, even in the face of stupid policies, and

anyway, he couldn't help it). "Can we count on your vote in 2004?"

PCKG: "Ummm, yeah, sure. Uh-huh. OK! I'll just go get this done for you then...."

(hmmm...that's funny, that same sideways, worried, furrowed brow look again!)

VOTES SCORED: Two. PCKG took our copies back to be laminated (and trimmed!),

and showed them to a fellow employee, who smiled and gave us the "thumbs up" sign

from the back of the store! Yes! Success!!

 

Whilst waiting for the "lamination and trimming" we struck up a conversation with the

window washer at the Kinko's front door who was atop a tall ladder with a bucket and

squeegee washing a transom. A synopsis follows:

US: "Hey, do you know your ladder from a snake?"

Window Washer Guy (aka WWG): " 'Scuse me?" (And what is it with this sideways,

worried, furrowed brow look, anyway???)

US: "Coincidently, that's sort of the name of a Peter Gabriel song, you know! We're

here to do a little campaigning for Mr. Gabriel for the 2004 election. Can we count on

your vote?"

WWG: "Well, yeah...... I guess so.... just as long as you go out using the handle and not

the glass!...(afterthought)....but I don't think he's a US citizen, is he???"

VOTES SCORED: One. WWG may not understand the ladder and the snake

connection, but he certainly understands the value of cleanliness, which is right next to

Godliness, and we know the connection to Gabriel there!

 

Our order was soon returned to us and we left the Kinko's (using the handle, not the glass). The next order of business was to travel to our local craft store in search of magnetic sheeting on which to mount our newly enlarged, laminated (and trimmed!) graphic. We stepped up to the counter to ask for the Aisle number, not wanting to wander around aimlessly in circles. We had a mission to complete, after all! What follows is a synopsis of our conversation with Middle-aged Craft Store Employee (henceforth referred to as MACSE).

 

MACSE: "May I help you?"

US: "YES! We are making a bumper sticker of this graphic (pulled lovingly

out of the Kinko's bag) and would like to know what aisle the magnetic sheeting is in!"

MACSE: "Uh, that would be aisle 12.....you're going to mount that on the

magnet and put it on your car?"

US: "Uh-huh! It's great, isn't it?" (since this technique didn't work on PCKG, we figured

we'd try again...)

MACSE: "Well, it's interesting."

US: "Do you know Peter Gabriel? He's running for President in the 2004 election and

we're just doing a bit of early campaigning for him."

MACSE: "He was with Genesis, wasn't he?" (NOW we were getting somewhere!)

US: "Yes, but since 1975 he has developed an extremely successful solo career!"

MACSE: (excitedly) "Oh, I know! I just loved all those songs he wrote for Tarzan....."

(starts singing "You'll Be In My Heart".....)

US: "Oh no, that would be Phil Collins." *COLLECTIVE SIGH* "We're campaigning

for Peter Gabriel--you know----Sledgehammer, Big Time, In Your Eyes???"

MACSE: "Hmmm, well those don't sound familiar to me. Sorry. I'm sure he's

wonderful, though. You two seem so nice--I wish this Peter person good luck in the election but I don't think he's a......"

US: (interrupting) "US Citizen?"

MACSE: (startled) "How did you know I was going to say that?"

US: "Oh, just a lucky guess.....but anyway, can Mr. Gabriel count on a vote from you in 2004?"

MACSE: sideways, worried furrowed brow glance. "Aisle 12" (points).

VOTES SCORED: one....we think. As we were leaving the store after checking out with our prized magnetic sheeting and double-stick tape, we heard MACSE humming something that sounded a bit like "Sussudio." Damn...

 

Feeling somewhat encouraged by the response of the fellow employee of PCKG and

the WWG, we headed straight home to assemble the sticker. Whilst standing at the

kitchen counter measuring the magnetic sheeting, the telephone rang. It was the Minister

of Dance's mother (referent: MODM). The conversation proceeded something like this:

 

MODM: "Hi, honey. What are you doing?"

MOD: "Oh, the Director of Childhood Education and I were just assembling a bumper

sticker paying homage to Pete."

MODM: "Pete who, honey?"

MOD: "Peter Gabriel, Mom..."

MODM: "WHO?"

MOD: "Mom, you know Peter Gabriel....famous singer, songwriter......"

MODM: "Oh, that's right.....I know him.....wasn't he married to Liza Minelli once?"

MOD: sideways, worried glance with furrowed brow into the telephone, all

color draining at a rapid pace from his face. No verbal response. Eyelids begin to

flutter. Hands the phone to me before hitting the floor.

DOCE: "Mom, what did you say to him?"

MODM: "I asked if Peter Gabriel was married to Liza Minelli once, that's all!"

DOCE: "Mom, that was Peter ALLEN. Peter ALLEN, Mom!"

Suffice it to say that the remainder of the conversation was just as stupid.

VOTES SCORED: none, for obvious reasons.

 

Revived MOD. Not letting ourselves be daunted by the above exchange, we slapped

our newly-made sticker on the back of the van and went out to do some last minute Christmas shopping. We were at a stop light in a double turn lane on a very busy street in

our town when a guy who looked about thirty drove up next to us. Caught him craning

his neck attempting to read the sticker, but being unsuccessful, he actually put his car into

reverse and backed up slightly to get a better angle! The interaction went like this:

 

Interested Thirty Year Old Guy (aka ITYOG): cranes neck to see sticker, eyes narrowed

to slits to get better focus.

US: Big SMILES.

ITYOG: Facial expression changes to wide grin, starts nodding head furiously. Puts car

into drive to pull up next to us to get our attention!

US: (excitedly) waving.....

ITYOG: Points furiously at the back of the van, smiling, and gives up the OK

sign with thumb and forefinger.

US: (rolling down window) "CAN WE COUNT ON YOUR VOTE IN 2004???"

ITYOG: (Laughing) "No Doubt!!!"

The light changes and his lane begins to move. As he drives away we notice

that he, too, has a political bumper sticker on his car. His reads: CHARLTON HESTON IS MY

PRESIDENT!

VOTES SCORED: one very enthusiastic vote. No Doubt! :) This experience perfectly

illustrates the point that PG's music appeals to a very wide audience.......

Such ends the tale of "The First Day With the Sticker." In addition to providing some

great comic relief, having the sticker on the back of the van also provided an unexpected

but very welcome benefit: with a sticker that big, it made it extremely easy to find the van

in crowded parking lots!

 

[Author's Note: The events and conversations related in this piece did, indeed, occur

during the course of one day in the lives of your newly appointed Cabinet Members.

Creative embellishment was utilized only *slightly*!]

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