Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 15:06:59 -0500
From: matthew@atlantic.net
Subject: Up Humor (Long -- watch out!)
Hi all. My friend Jonathan and I were jonesing for a little pick-me-UP last
year, cracking ourselves up about the delays with the release of the album.
Here is a humorous tribute to His labor. I think this is all Jonathan's stuff,
sadly. Dunno where mine went.. Enjoy!
++++
Timeline for Up:
July 15, 2000:
I catch Tony Levin exiting the RealWorld studio. He says Peter won't work on the album while Matlock is on.
September 2000:
Peter releases a statement indicating that the outcome of the U.S. election, now less than three months away will decide which of the nearly 500 tracks (many over 20 seconds in length!) he's recorded get included in the album.
May 2010:
Peter expresses hope that Paula Cole's daughter will recover from mono soon enough to add yet another vocal layer to 5 tracks that may or may not eventually be included in the album.
October 2029:
Debate at the 15th annual "Up" conference fails to settle fan dispute over whether the highly anticipated album should be retitled after the Oxford English Dictionary dropped the antiquated word "up" three years ago. Camps are almost evenly split between keeping the old title and replacing it with the more contemporary synonym, "Astroward." Peter says retitling would require changing the tone of nearly half of the 15,000 tracks that remain in contention. Two more hunger striking fans are laid to rest.
February 11, 2035:
I've just touched down from the Mars medical facility. The doctors are hopeful that testing of the artificial lung will be successful and enable Peter to leave his oxygen chamber in time to record the "few last remaining" harmonies with Kate Bush needed to complete side one of the album, before Kate is called to participate in Carousel. RealWord spokesmen express desire to await Kate's renewal in case Peter isn't ready before her palm crystal turns.
September 2043:
I keep poking Peter's corpse with a stick in hopes that a stray electrochemical reaction will cause his arm to twitch and turn off the digital recorder. No response. This completes five years without any movement detected from Peter. RealWorld pushes back anticipated release date to 2045. David Geffen IV remains "optimistic."
Levin 42, 12,683:
The High Counsel announces that the ten-thousand-year Cycle of Gabriel is nearly complete, and the Priests of RealWorld expect the arrival of Our Lord's "Up" testament "any day now." Since the rediscovery of planet RealWorld almost two millenia ago, the entire Precussive Race has awaited the coming of "Up." As it was foretold in ancient times, "Imagine the moment, breaking out of the silence, all the things that we both might say." Members of the Priest Guild, the only ones permitted to live on RealWorld's surface, have gathered on Our Lord's Holy England, purchased from the vile Susidio People at the price of a pound of flesh, and have uttered the sacred syllables, "accepting all I've done and said," ceaselessly for a thousand years, in hopes of finding favor "In Your Eyes." The dimming of the Sun, first detected by our accolytes last month, is being taken as a sign that our time is nearly "Up." Arise! Arise! Things are looking "Up!"
678,942,693,986 A.R.:
The Universe suffers "Big Crunch" followed by a new "Big Bang."
10 billion years later, the first new M-class planet is formed around a yellow sun.
3 billion years later, single cell life forms in its oceans.
200 million years later, life emerges from the oceans.
10 million years later, intelligent life arises.
500,000 years later, pod gestures turn to speech, when the Shaggy One turns to One Who Bangs Rocks Together and says, "Well?" One Who Bangs Rocks Together replies, "Not yet, but soon." The Shaggy One kills him with a pointed stick.